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Nothing inspires filmic adventures filled with wacky shenanigans and zany escapades like Spring Break. Catering to demographics ranging from ethnic minorities to sexy archeologists, and covering topics that run the gamut from losing your virginity to karate chopping a shark and fighting the Mexican Revolution — no matter how your Spring Break goes, there's a crappy movie out there just for you! Well, unless you have to work, like a normal person. In which case there are no movies for you. You can just go reheat your Hungry Man dinner and cry yourself to sleep like usual.
Young Indiana Jones and the Spring Break Adventure
Please direct your attention to the lower right corner, where it appears that young Indy is being chased by Klingons on horseback.
That's right, even Indiana Jones tore it up some on Spring Break. Unfortunately, this movie does not deal with Indiana Jones and the Quest for Poon. The title is sadly misleading. At no point does Indiana engage in any of the anticipated frat-boy antics — like losing his fedora during a keg stand, hitting up a gravity bong with a Knight Templar, or even just kicking open the door to a random house party, swinging a beer bong like his trademark whip while demanding that somebody shotgun some beers with him.
Oh god, why do I dream this exact scene every single night?
But regardless, Indy still works some shit out. Let's compare spring breaks, shall we?
Young Indiana Jones' Spring Break opens with Indy and a comely young lass named Nancy, who just happens to be the inspiration for one Nancy Drew, defending an artifact from Nazis. Indy then travels to Mexico, where he is kidnapped and forced into the Mexican Revolution by Pancho Villa, and almost takes a swing at General Patton in a cheap whorehouse bar. Indy saves the day, frees a nation, and pretty much bangs Nancy Drew before heading home to resume the mundane routine of his everyday life... as Indiana fucking Jones.
Your spring break opens with three cans of Sparks and a breakfast burrito from the gas station, after which you down some Pancho Villa brand Tequila out of a funnel. Fueled by the reckless, destructive Tequila drunk you take a swing at a parking meter, throw up on your own shoes, and round out your night by getting half a hand-job from what turns out to be a large Puerto-Rican man in the Carl's Jr. Parking lot. Ultimately you wake up and head back home to your normal life... with dicks drawn on your face in Sharpie.
Sorry, Spring Breaker, I chalk this one up as a landslide victory for the shitty Indiana Jones movie.
